Project 1010

Notes: 9 / 2 years ago

It is reasons like this that i love the internet..
Notes: 9 / 2 years ago

Getting ahead

Would you suck dick to get ahead in life?

I know what you’re thinking now, “Wow project1010 blogger Mr. Reus, you’re getting into some pretty deep issues”. Fuck yeah I am, I’m not afraid to report on the hard hitting conundrums of life. So, if sucking dick will benefit your life (most notably your career), would you actually do it?

Now, I think you can derive two meanings from my question.

One, you take it literally. Are you willing to put that cock in your mouth knowing that tomorrow you will get a pay rise and a new desk? Are you willing to lick that cunt and pound away (at the same time concentrating so hard your brain cells pop just so you don’t “blow” your chances) so that you can get that promotion you’ve always dreamed of but have never had the competency to be able to achieve it?

If you answered yes, read on. If you answered no, read on. You’ve got nothing better to do anyway. Besides, you’re in my blog already.

The other meaning you may extrapolate from my thesis statement is to suck dick in the metaphorical sense. Are you willing to suck up to people, put on a front, have a smile on your face when all you really want to do is grab the bluntest knife you can find and stab that cunt, yes, that cunt who, for reasons unknown, is your department manager after being a drop out, drop kick, fucking idiot and who you suspect might have a mental deficiency? How did he get that far in life you ask? Well, if you care to look at the side of his mouth, you’ll notice there’s a bit of cumshot residue. Hard to wipe off, I know.

I can imagine you’re thinking, “Mr. Reus, I’ve never heard of such an intelligent and informed person such as yourself, why is it that you’re not king of the world already?”. Well curious one, brace yourself for my response.

Braced? OK, here goes. It’s because I haven’t sucked anyone off. But rest assured, if a penis was presented to me, complete with a promotion; a salary that would mean I can snort a kilo of coke a week and still have money left; a new desk; a sexy secretary; and my own stapler, I would suck that dick like Monica did Bill.

But I actually don’t have a corporate office job.

Now I hear my ears ringing with the sound of you haters. Well name one thing wrong with sucking dick to get ahead in life. I’m waiting. Time’s up. See? Nothing. This is because you know if a person came to you with an offer you couldn’t refuse, an offer that would have you set for the rest of your life, you’re not going to be thinking about the moral dilemmas. Fuck, none of us actually have morals, it’s just an idea that we’ve been conditioned growing up so we all don’t fucking slut ourselves around and create anarchy.

Just think: some people have to suck dick just to live, the difference here is, you can suck dick to get ahead.

-Mr. Reus
Notes: 3 / 2 years ago from mylifeasaninja

<insert generic pirate-hating title>
mylifeasaninja:

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes or so reading threads on the “Pirates vs Ninjas” debate. I cannot believe this is even a problem. This is like saying, “Hey guys! Let’s get a bunch of semi-retarded children from the local public primary school and make them fight to the death against Chuck Norris.” The pirates being the semi-retarded children, and the ninjas being - albeit slightly less devastatingly amazing - Chuck Norris.

The most often used argument for the pirate team is that pirates have guns. And that even ninjas can’t evade bullets. … Okay, let’s give a pirate a gun - hell, let’s be generous and give him an AK47 - see if he can find the ninja, and pull the trigger before the ninja jumps to the ceiling and goes all shuriken on his ass.

If you disagree with this, then you are likely a pirate. In which case, I have already taken a note of your location and ninja assassins will be beating up your cat/dog/fish/pot plant as you finish reading this sentence. I bid you good day.

/goes off to watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

If there was ever a battle of epic proportions to be had, it is that of the Pirates vs the Ninjas.

I have to admit that i, myself am a fan of both. Yes, both. I do love myself the Ninja but oh god do Pirates give me a feeling of awe and excitement.

So here’s how it breaks down:

Pirates:
- Have badass swords and daggers. They will stab you with whatever object they have closest to them. God forbid they get their hands on a toothpick. Imagine the hours of pain.
- They drink alcohol like it was gods piss. Rehab is not in a Pirates vocabulary. Throwing up is just as good as brushing your teeth in the morning.
- Wenches, need i say more? Totally hot.
- Treasure What could there possibly be better in life, than treasure. Finding a fuck tonne of treasure. Every kid dreams of going into their backyards and digging up a treasure chest full of gold coins.
- They ride around of big fuck-off boats all day long.
- They have a plank, and not only do they have one, but they make slaves walk down it. Amazing.
- Get to wear whatever the fuck they like. I don’t know about you, but i don’t mind the whole pirate wardrobe. I find it makes me look sexy and do-able. This is never a fail situation.
- They are just generally badass. They disrespect the law and women find that hot. They are the captain of the footy team, the sexy rough looking guy in class. They are the badasses all you girls would like to bone. You know it.
Ninjas
- If stealthy enough they can kill you with one touch.
- They carry around an arsenal of weaponry, ready to slice and dice any motherfucker who gets in their way.
- They can move around so quietly, even god leans in closer to hear their footsteps.
- They wear awesome skin tight ninja suits made by the secret monks living in the mountains. These monks are trained for years in the magical art of sewing and bell ringing, and when the day comes they will dong that fucking bell like champions and be washed away by giant waves.
- They live a life of awesomeness. This involves sitting around eating noodles and being mysterious. Every now and then they are summoned to go on difficult missions to kill people and have sex with hot ninja groupies.
- They are almost invisible to the human eye, and if seen…well…they just aren’t so fuck you.
- They are probably behind you right now, but as soon as you turn around. They have vanished, and taken your soul with them.
- They’ve probably already had sex with you.
So as you can clearly see, it’s a tough fight. It’s so equal. They are both such awesome peoples.

It’s hard to choose a side.

But i think i’ll goo with……fuck..there’s one behind me isnt there?!

*..as Mr. Orange turns around to see the face of his attacker, he is struck hard in the neck by a small dagger. Two red ribbons hang innocently from the daggers handle. A perfect kill.*

[Post By Mr. Orange]
Notes: 4 / 2 years ago

Dear driver…

If there is one thing in this world that I truly, truly hate…it’d have to be stupid fucking drivers.

I hate them.
Hate, hate, hate.
Total fucking morons.

There’s always some fucknut fucking my shit up as I’m just rolling down the street, smoking indo, sipping on gin and juice.

But really, there’s only one type of driver that really gets to me. The type that makes me want to speed up to their car and rear-end them, make them pull over, step up to their car and strangulate their newborn, if available; their feeble parent, if available; their spouse, if available; their kids, if available; or just plain them, and steer them off to the other side of the road and hope some 18 wheeler fucks their skull beyond recognition.

And I’ll be sure to attend the funeral.
And I’ll be sure to record the whole thing.
And I’ll be sure to catch the crying and anguished faces of their loved ones.
And I’ll be sure to go in a giggle fit as I watch people mourn and cry.

Cause I fucking hate you. You know what you did.

You were driving on the right hand lane at a speed that was at least 10km/h under the speed limit. You impeded me from optimising my driving and were the sole reason I arrived at my destination late.

You are one sick fuck.

The cops should pull you over for driving too slow. Everybody knows that the right lane is the over-taking lane. The quick lane. The law breaking lane.

You will break the law if you drive on the right lane.

But no, you fuck me and other criminals up. You cruise along without a care in the world, wondering what microwave dinner you’ll be having along with your porn for the night cause you’re just a sad, lonely, and probably, fat fuck. You sing fucking P!nk songs with a horrible voice and you don’t even notice when the lights go green. You hit the brake when it is fucking unnecessary. Fuck you.

In most developed nations, you would be getting fined for cruising in the right lane. Fuck, in England they pull you over for cruising in the middle lane. Stay on the left, bitch. Slow, dim-witted fucks like you have a lane. Stick to it. Nobody loves you there and nobody will love you on the right, so fuck off.

Let me drive in peace. I will cause your fucking accident if you don’t. Mark my fucking words I will.

Why are people so fucking annoying?

Why do we live in a nation inhabited by idiots?

I don’t have road rage, you’re just retarded.

-Mr. Reus
Notes: 3 / 2 years ago

I love Weddings..
….but Weddings loathe me.

I haven’t been to many weddings in my 21 years of life, i don’t know if this is because nobody loves eachother around me, or because Jesus is just trying to keep me away. But i LOVE weddings.

There’s 2 weddings that stand out in my mind.
- The Aunts Wedding
- Franklin’s Mums Wedding
The Aunts Wedding

This was years ago, and by years i’m talking about when i was around 10 years old (maybe even younger). This wedding wasn’t too awesome, it was the usual frantic festivities of two young love birds selling their souls to one another for a very unreasonable price.

I was the ring bearer. Yes, i was that guy. The little boy you stare at and think “Fuck you boy. You aren’t important. What? You think you look cute!? Fuck a carrot dickwad”…Well maybe alot of you don’t say that, it may just be me. I was that cute little fucker holding those rings.

I was like Frodo Baggins, entrusted with not one ring of power, but two. The pressure, oh the pressure. There they sat on their little white pillow of protection. The little pillow, their last comfortable resting place before they are forgotten about or eaten by the cat.

I could see the eye of Sauron as i stared helplessly into their never ending abyss of love and hugs and kisses and children “Oh god not children, i’m only 10 SPARE ME OH GREAT ONE!!!”.

And then they were gone. Well, way to give me the most boring job in the fucking universe auntie. Who knew the most important moment in my little life at that point was to hold a tiny pillow with rings ontop of it. That’s no way to pick up the girls. Cockblock.

Franklin’s Mums Wedding

I was older for this wedding. If i was to measure age in chocolate cookies i’d say i was about 17 chocolate cookies old.

The wedding itself was held in a church (Yea, real original..), the reception however was held at the most legendary places to ever hold any type of celebration - The wilderness.

It was some sort of old scout place in the middle of the bush. There was a giant hall, where the dancing and music originated, a large fire pit and many cabins scattered randomly around the clearing. It was a huge space and it was entirely surrounded by trees. It was amazing.

The festivities started as normal. There was lots of food and beer and meat and beer. I ate ALOT of food, most notably i took on a huge piece of steak (this steak will come up again). To tell you the truth, i got extremely drunk at this party and don’t remember much about the reception.

I remember dancing for a while and stealing beers and other spirits here and there. We moved from the hall to the fire pit and we sat around listening to the older dudes converse. I remember there was a dude there who had just gotten out of jail, he was downing the beers like he had one day to live. I stayed 50m away from him at all times.

There was alot of drugs happening, the smell of weed was pungent in the air. How delicious, but at that point i was not delving too much into the substance, especially because my parents were at this event. So we carried on.

The beer kept flowing and i started to get increasingly drunk. Our posse moved into one of the cabins so that we could start our Jack Daniels and play awesome games like….

Well, i don’t remember. I was too drunk.

We had many shots and had many drinks and to go back on what i said before about the drugs…we may have had some. Who knows!?

Cue in drunk ass Mr. Orange. The true Dr. Awful. There i was sitting in the cabin having a chat with Franklins younger cousin, who may have been around 13 at the time. I had managed to get the kid very very drunk, and his mother was on the way to the cabin to have a word with him.

I could have none of that.

So i had a word with her instead.

Well, apparently i had alot more than a word with her. our conversation lasted for atleast an hour. She stood there stunned as i told her off for not allowing her offspring abit of alcohol on such a momentous occasion. To clarify: this wasn’t a heated argument of any kind, i hear it was rather hilarious.

So after i was done proving my point to her and offering her alcoholic beverages. She left and took her son with her. Thank god. I would’ve probably convinced him all the way to the hospital at that point.

The rest of the night is pretty black.

Oh yea.

Except for the part where i threw up that steak i ate earlier, right in the middle of the cabin.

And wouldn’t you believe the son of a bitch came out intact. As if i’d never taken a bite out of it and simply shoved it down my throat.

Miracles do happen while drunk.

I spent the rest of the night asleep while my friends spent the rest of the night trying to figure out how i managed to throw up a fully intact steak.

I told you that steak would come back up.

[Post by Mr. Orange]
Notes: 4 / 2 years ago

The 9 Commandments Of Manhood

1. Thou shall not be a pussy This means no bitching when you have to do a job that is undesirable. There were men in WWII who fought Nazis in a blizzard with no shoes. Did they complain? Hell no, they fucking killed Nazis. When given the choice between complaining and killing Nazis, real men always choose the latter.

2. Thou shall not be pussy whipped Never let a woman define you as a man. Also, never let a woman carry your balls in her purse. Too many guys out there continue to haphazardly break this rule for sex. Those guys don’t deserve sex… they deserve a slap. The type of slap John Wayne used to knock guys out with.

3. Thou shall not defile the word of bacon Bacon is, quite simply, the law. Without it, even the great Red Forman is kind of girly. I know… some people’s religions forbid bacon. However, this rule forbids the forbidding of bacon, therefore trumping all. Do not try to argue with the logic of manhood. You will only get peed on.

4. Thou shall not turn down a duel Ever. It doesn’t matter if it is a knight who shows up on your doorstep after you have defiled his maiden wanting a sword fight or a drunk at the bar challenging you to go shot for shot… you should always be up for the contest. Turn down a duel and you might as well turn in your penis. You won’t be needing it after women find out you’re a woman too.

5. If a woman needs a door opened… God dammit, do it! This does not fall under the category of “pussy whipped”. It is called having some fucking manners. A woman should never have to open a door on her own. They are much too frail. Opening doors is a mans job.

6. Thou shall not cry Men don’t cry. They reluctantly shed tears when their dog dies or favorite sports team loses. The only other time a man is permitted anything close to crying is when his best friend gets killed by terrorists and he fires out tears of rage before hunting down and ass-raping those responsible with a large wooden effigy of Thomas Jefferson.

7. Thou shall eat fire Men never order their food “mild”. It must be excruciatingly, painfully, downright frighteningly hot. That is the only way a true man can enjoy his food. If you are eating something that won’t shoot fire out of your ass in three hours, you are wasting a meal. Punch yourself in the balls.

8. Thou shall bleed and love it A real man will bleed daily. It is just in his nature to accidentally fuck himself up on a regular basis. It is what we do. It is our zen experience. There is nothing better in this world to help a man feel alive than the site of his own blood. Even the site of an enemies blood doesn’t compare.

9. Thou shall mark your territory If you own something that you haven’t peed on, it is not really yours. Electronic equipment is an exception. Women… well, you’re on your own when it comes to that. Don’t go getting your balls cut off over some funny shit you read on the internet…

[Originally Posted By Xxoozero on Shoutwire.com]

[Post By Mr. Orange]
Notes: 2 / 2 years ago

The 9 Greatest Things In Life

1. Sex
Good old fashioned scrogging. It just doesn’t get any better than tossing your load while feeling up some boobs and hearing your name being screamed in ecstasy. Unless you hear my name. That’s even better. It means the girl you are with is “zero approved”.

2. Masturbation
All of the rewards with none of the work. You won’t have to buy dinner, drinks, 15 minutes with a hooker, or duct tape and a van. All you got to do is get away from the crowd for three to five minutes and concentrate a bit. It is almost like having a cheat code for sex… except the sex is with yourself. I said “almost”…

3. Taking a shit
Nothing like dropping yesterday’s lunch after a hard days work. While some would say the morning shit is the best, others swear by the afternoon dump. Me… I like them all. Not just for the relief factor, but for the five minutes of peace. For some of us, it is all the quiet we ever get.

4. Bacon
Bacon is the nectar of the gods! Ever wonder why so many religions frown upon it? The same reason they frown upon sex; because they suck. Without bacon we would not have the goodness that is bacon grease. Without bacon grease the world would be an unhappy place where children cried on Christmas and women had a period every day of the year.

5. The internet
Mix high speed free porn and the ability to bitch randomly at people you will never meet and you have nothing less than awesome. Add all the spam to that list and you have just this side of awesome, which is still pretty good. Throw in more free porn and you are back to having awesome.

6. Beer/weed
Everyone needs something to ease their minds after a long day of commie-killing. A cold brew or a fat joint always hits the spot. The human brain was only meant to function for so long while sober. Don’t argue with my science: it is more fun to just believe it recklessly…

7. Sword fights
These battles are fun for both the spectators and participants. At least once in his life, every man has dreamed of having a nice bloody duel of the steel. It is the manly way to save random hot women from evil villains. Only pussies shoot guns at each other. A real man will try to stab his opponent in the face with a rusty piece of metal.

8. Fishing
It doesn’t matter whether it is ice fishing, deep sea fishing, or just tossing a pole into a stream behind the nuclear power plant. Anytime a person is planning on going out and drowning some bait a good time is sure to be had. Bonus if you actually catch something: killing a fish pisses off the tree hugger’s at PETA.

9. The moment of triumph!
Whether it is finally getting your remote programmed to work your VCR and DVD player or shagging a chick you never thought would give you the time of day… or possibly winning a Pulitzer Prize for a top 9 list… no feeling is better than knowing you bested your adversary even in the smallest of ways. If revenge is involved, double your satisfaction and move this to the top of the list. If you can somehow fit midget porn into the mix, life will declare you winner by default.

[Originally Posted By Xxoozero on Shoutwire.com]

[Post By Mr. Orange]
Notes: 1 / 2 years ago

The Slap Quest

What is a The Slap Quest?

The Slap Quest is something that ive always wanted to do while out on the town. This is strictly for the guys as it would not work as well with females, they would probably just end up getting laid either way. Those bitches.

What basically happens is, you get your closest buddy. It must be a close friend, the type of friend who isn’t afraid to get into abit of beef with you by his side. You and this friends go off to a club or a bar and you make a pact. The type of pact only true mates can make.

A Slap Quest pact.

There is no reason for making this pact. It’s strictly just an adrenaline rush type activity, like bungee jumping or eating broccoli.

The pact is: Who can get slapped the most in 10 minutes by random girls.

Everything is fair game, bad pickup lines, good pickup lines, full frontal nudity, leg humping, straight out insults, ass grabbing etc etc.

Like i said, this game is purely for an adrenaline rush and a good story. Only the most game of men will venture forth into this forsaken territory.

I wonder who has the stones for it.

If i ever take on this quest, it will be up here on this blog the very next day. I promise you that. And if some brave soul out there does it before me, i’d love to hear about it.

Just don’t go getting yourself beat up by 8 bodybuilders over some funny shit you read on the internet.

Get yourself slapped by hot women. It’s hotter that way.

[Post By Mr. Orange]
Notes: 4 / 2 years ago

A Quick Thankyou

This is just a quick thank you to all followers of the blog.

Thank you to everybody for liking and re-blogging what you like. This is the only reason that we keep writing what we write. It’s the incentive that keeps me going.

There’s nothing a storyteller likes more than having an audience to tell stories to.

Go figure.

I usually write 2 or 3 posts a week, every week. This is because i do not have the time to be writing every single day, and i also like to keep you all waiting. It’s like foreplay for me. Without the sex. Which sucks.

I hope you all enjoy the posts and keep liking and re-blogging them.

I enjoy writing for you.

Enough with the being nice. I hate it. I’m meant to be awful damn it.

/deadroses

[Post By Mr. Orange]
Notes: 13 / 2 years ago

The Code of the Co-Pilot
We have all been on road trips atleast once in our lives, whether we were just babies or fully grown adults. Once you start hitting the age where you’re able to take off on road trips without your parents, things get awesome.

This is The Code of the Co-Pilot. It is a set of laws created specifically for the Co-Pilot.

If you can still not figure out who the co-pilot is, please punch yourself in the throat and kidneys. The co-pilot is always the person sitting in the front passengers seat. They are the second most important person on a road trip.

As a prerequisite to learning the Code of the Co-pilot, you must first know the general positions given in a roadtrip.

They go as follows:
- Drivers Seat - Captain ________ (Feel free to fill the gap with whatever amazing name you can come up with ie. Captain Testicles)
- Front Passengers Seat - Co-Pilot
- Back Left Passengers Seat - Road Trip Commissioner
- Middle Back Passengers Seat - Village Idiot
- Back Right Passengers Seat - Roadie
- For vehicles with more than 5 seats, every person after the Roadie is called Fred. Male or Female. They will always be named Fred.
[The Chain Of Promotion]:

Roadie -> Village Idiot -> Road Trip Commissioner -> Co-Pilot -> Captain

…and now you are ready.

The Code Of The Co-Pilot.
- The Co-Pilot is ALWAYS the person sitting in the front passengers seat of the road trip vehicle.
- This person is chosen via the Captain who is chosen via the ‘Shotgun’ law. If you do not know the shotgun law then you have not yet lived. Minus 3 points.
- This is the 2nd most important person on the road trip for the period of time in which they are the co-pilot.
- Co-Pilots are always in charge of maps/gps/giving general directions. ALWAYS. They are also in charge of asking for directions should you dumb asses get lost. Yes, that’s right i called you all dumb asses. I’m sorry.
- The Co-Pilot is ALWAYS at fault should the vehicle lose it’s way. Always. There is not ‘buts’ about it.
- The Co-Pilot is required to salute to the Captain whenever exiting the vehicle.
- If there happens to be a fast food drive-thru pit stop along the way, the Co-pilot is in charge of the collection of all funds for the food fee.
- If the Captain doesn’t feel like getting out of the vehicle and filling up at the petrol station, the Co-pilot is required to step forward and offer assistance.
- The Co-Pilot is allowed to abuse The Road Trip Commissioner, The Village Idiot and The Roadie as much as they like.
- The Co-Pilot is required to open and close Energy drink bottles for the Captain.
- The Co-Pilot never complains, nor do they ever need to pee or poo.
- If there is an argument involving directions and general navigation of the vehicle between the Captain and the Co-Pilot, the Road Trip Commissioner may choose to hit the Co-Pilot in the back of the head. If this does not solve the argument, then a Scissors, Paper, Rock battle will commence and first to 5 wins the argument.
- The Co-Pilot is not allowed to sleep. They are required to keep the Captain awake and entertained for the road trip.
- If the Captain feels that they can no longer carry on their duties behind the wheel, they will be demoted to Roadie, thus moving the chain of command up one spot. The Co-Pilot is required to take the wheel.
- The Co-Pilot is required to take all incoming mobile phone calls to the Captains mobile. Each call taken is to be answered with “Go for Co-Pilot..”
- The Co-Pilot is required to *whistle* at all beautiful people, on the outside, that the Captain chooses. These people must fall under the ‘beautiful’ category for both the Captain and the Co-Pilot, the Road Trip Commissioner has the final say.
- The Co-Pilot is in charge of collection all monetary fees. Ie: Tolls, Food, Hookers, Petrol etc etc
- The Co-Pilot is allowed to physically hit anybody in the vehicle bar the Captain.
- The Co-Pilot is in charge of the music. ALWAYS. They may choose to take music suggestions from the rest of the crew but they ALWAYS have the final say. Not even the Captain can break that sacred code. Unless ofcourse the Co-Pilots music taste is putting the Captain to sleep. This endangers the entire crew. The Road Trip Commissioner now has the final say in this case.
- The Co-Pilot is in charge of all entertainment for the trip (music, games, nudity etc etc). If they fail to do this they may be demoted to Roadie by the Captain, moving the chain of command up a spot.
- The Co-Pilot is required to be awesome, but never as awesome as the Captain.
- If there happens to be a bar stop along the way. The Co-Pilot is required to be wingman/woman to the Captain, if the Captain is not single, then the Co-Pilot can choose to take on a wingman/woman of their own.
(Do you have more to add to The Code of the Co-Pilot? Here’s your chance to be featured on the blog. Tweet them to me (@Dr_Awful) and if they are good enough they will be added) <3

[Post By Mr. Orange]

Getting ahead

<insert generic pirate-hating title>

Dear driver…

I love Weddings..

The 9 Commandments Of Manhood

The 9 Greatest Things In Life

The Slap Quest

A Quick Thankyou

The Code of the Co-Pilot

Following

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